“When my brother passed away, my body did something I had never seen before, which was in a matter of days,” she said.
Hayden Panettiere is opening up about how his body reacted to the trauma of suddenly losing his brother.
The 35-year-old man sat with PEOPLE and shared what happened just days after losing his younger brother Jansen to an undiagnosed enlarged heart.
“When my brother passed away, my body did something I had never seen before, which was in a matter of days,” she told the publication.
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“I just ballooned up,” she said of her rapid 40-pound weight gain. “It didn’t matter what I did, what I ate. I know stress and cortisol acting on your body can do that. Now I feel like my body was defending itself, protecting itself from the world.”
The grief she felt over the loss of her 28-year-old brother triggered agoraphobia, to the point where she could barely leave the house for months.
“I had to see horrific paparazzi footage of myself leaving Jansen’s funeral, which was in a really private place, and it was overwhelming,” she said. “I didn’t recognize myself. My agoraphobia came out, which is something I’ve struggled with before.”
She mentioned that this affected her self-esteem, including: “It became this unhealthy hamster wheel of like: Do I actually feel good enough to go out?”
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However, over time, she began to consider returning to work and began walking and training with a physical therapist, Marnie Alton.
“These long, lovely walks where we can vent and it can be this healing session,” she says. “Marnie has made me stronger.”
“My body just started responding, not just from the understanding. It allowed me to release the stress, the unreasonable expectations that I had always placed on myself,” she says. As her insecurities eased, so did her agoraphobia. “There’s nothing like looking in the mirror and feeling like you’re ready to walk out the door,” she says.
Although Panettiere is in a better place, the actress shared how painful the loss will always be for her.
“He was my only brother, and it was my job to protect him,” she said. “After I lost him, I felt like I lost half my soul… I will always be heartbroken for him, and I will never get over it. No matter how many years pass, I will never get over his loss.”
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