A bride-to-be has landed herself in hot water ahead of her own wedding – which she has now been told will be “uncomfortable” – after telling her sister’s boyfriend she wouldn’t accept his marriage proposal for a specific reason.
An unnamed lady couldn’t consider what her sister kept telling her, until she finally asked her point blank. She then went up to her sister’s boyfriend and opened a huge can of chaos before her own wedding ceremony.
With her big day approaching — and the distinct connections between all the players in her story — OP (aka “the original poster”) took to Reddit’s famous AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum to see if she was wrong.
Indeed, her actions had devastating results, but what else could she do?
Well, that’s why she needs to know: AITA for telling my sister’s boyfriend not to propose to her?
Getty
How Bachelorette Party Photos Sparked Drama Among Friends Days Before Wedding
View story
She began her story by explaining the inner relationships that made this uncomfortable scenario virtually unimaginable. “I (28F) have a fraternal twin sister who is courting my fiancé’s (34M) younger brother (29M). My fiancé and I are getting married in September,” she explained.
She then bought into the surprising crux of the matter, writing: “My sister has made a number of comments about how terrible my new last name will probably be. She has also stated similar issues throughout her relationship. She has told me that she should never marry her boyfriend because she simply cannot have that last name.”
OP decided that she would not need to adopt his surname, but her sister argued that “she does not want to keep our maiden surname, she needs to have a conventional marriage, where she adopts her husband’s surname.”
And then, last weekend, while shopping for her own honeymoon outfits with her sister, OP decided to see how serious this was — and with good purpose. “I asked her what would happen if her boyfriend proposed?” she wrote. “They’ve been dating for 3 years and my fiancé told me that his brother was looking at engagement rings. I didn’t tell her this, but just mentioned it in casual conversation since we were shopping for my honeymoon outfits and she kept saying ‘I can’t wait to try on wedding outfits in the future’ and stuff like that.”
Getty
Woman accused of not caring about family for skipping sister’s wedding for ‘Journey’
View story
When asked, OP stated that her sister said she would respond, “As long as you change your last name.” OP stated “that it was really self-centered of her to give an ultimatum like that to someone who liked her and wanted to marry her. She rolled her eyes at me.”
OP then doubled down on her position, saying, “critically, would you really reject him because of his last name?” She claimed her sister “firmly stated, ‘Of course, I just can’t have that name.'” When OP asked “why she was with him knowing it wouldn’t result in marriage,” she claimed her sister replied, “I don’t know,” and then she backed out.
Fast forward to the day before the OP posted. “Yesterday her boyfriend came over to stay with my fiancé and showed me pictures of rings to ask my opinion on which one my sister would love,” she wrote. “I told him the truth. She’s not going to marry him. That she’ll say no if he asks because of his last name. He asked me if she told me that and I said yes.”
In response, OP’s subsequent statement was, “He broke up with her at this point.” As for herself, OP added, “He didn’t tell her why, but my sister knows it was because of me. Now, my aunt and uncle (who raised us) are upset with me and said it will be really uncomfortable for everyone at my wedding.”
“However, wouldn’t it have been the same if he had asked and she had said no?” she asked. “Should I have just let it happen?”
While it was a sophisticated scenario all around, the top commenter had OP’s back. In a post with over 3,000 upvotes, they stated: “Oof. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t think there’s really a way to win in this situation. Especially if he was hoping to buy the ring and suggest it before your wedding.”
“I suppose it’s best for him to know that she wouldn’t marry him because of his last name (shocking… she’s petty. And clearly wouldn’t love him that much) before he spends a lot of money on a nice ring,” they added. “Whether they broke up now, or when he proposed and said ‘no’ (particularly if before their wedding), their marriage was always going to be awkward.”
“There’s a rock and a hard place, they usually get between sisters’ ears,” another commented. “I’d bet my kids’ school fund on the latter name as a useful excuse as she’s ready for an even bigger fish. However, I don’t have a child, and my cats aren’t showing any educational aptitude.”
There is a rock and a hard place, they are usually between the sisters’ ears
Several provided examples from their own lives of both not taking their partner’s last name, and even simply developing a new full name in the event that they didn’t care for both. The gist of all these tales? “She never talked about last names with her boyfriend??” one commenter marveled. Another agreed: “There are so many methods around this concern!”
Another commenter went a step further by saying it’s not just about the final name. “It’s about disrespect. She doesn’t accept him as an individual but as a cartoon character judging him by his final name. I don’t know, it could also be actual childish idiocy which isn’t any better,” they wrote. “I hate such statements behind a person’s back, she deserves to know.”
To anyone arguing that it was the sister’s place to have this conversation, several prominent commentators have pointed out that she simply wasn’t going to do it… especially after three years. “The sister was never going to have the conversation. She was going to wait until he bought a bow, got all worked up, no doubt spent a good amount of money just for some really special and extravagant proposal plan to make it special for her (maybe a trip or a really nice restaurant) and allow this man to do all of that and suggest to her as a result that he believes the girl he’s been courting for the last 3 years of his life is the woman he’ll dedicate the rest of his life to – only to be rejected because of a last name.”
“She wasted 3 years of this man’s life and now brings drama to an upcoming marriage,” they concluded.
Getty
Wife Admits She’s Starting To Resent Husband After He Lands Dream Job And Tells Him To Quit
View story
However, not everyone thought OP had the best interest at heart to chime in on this potential concern in her sister’s relationship. While admitting that her sister is “being pretty petty about it,” one commenter emphasized, “It wasn’t your place to just tell him not to suggest it to her and then repeat something your sister said you wanted it to be.”
“She told you this in confidence and you just came out with it the second he started showing you a bow,” they continued. “The right thing to do would have been to let him know that he should talk to her about it and see where her head is at regarding marriage, rather than just ambushing her with the ring, and then letting her sort it out for herself.”
They argued that the OP “made a decisive move to insert himself into their relationship, and it resulted in the end of the relationship.” Another agreed, adding: “It was for them to decide together, not a unilateral decision made in secret.”
“OP didn’t do the best resolution when caught between two individuals in a relationship by TELLING THEM TO TALK TO EACH OTHER,” another Redditor wrote. “Instead, she played the middle man and did a terrible job of it.” However, another wondered, “Why didn’t you just let this happen? Why was your loyalty more to your brother-in-law than your sister? Why did you rob them of the opportunity to have an honest dialogue about this?”
Mess with your sister’s relationship so that you’re OP, but don’t pretend to be doing it from the ethical high ground.
One commenter stated that it’s not so easy, however, due to their interconnected relationships. “Also, this isn’t some random man the OP’s sister was courting,” they wrote. “This was her BiL. Someone she’s going to need to keep in her life as long as she remains married to her husband.” They argued that the OP “made a strong case for a future family member by not letting him waste a ton of money and end up getting rejected.”
One Redditor argued that OP should have stayed out of it, as a result of how she could have known what her sister could actually do. “It’s possible that the truth of the ring outweighed her dislike of her boyfriend’s last name,” they mused. “Did you talk about this example with your fiancé? Did he want you to tell his brother about what your sister said?”
There were some who were even more enduring. “Mess with your sister’s relationship for yourself OP, but don’t pretend to be doing it from a high ethical standard,” one person wrote in particular. “You got what you needed — you thought your sister was weird for dating someone she didn’t want to marry and you sneakily intervened and brought the issue to light. You couldn’t get out of the situation without getting the meddler label you deserve, your moves were inelegant.”
One feasible resolution suggested was for the OP to let his “sister know that he was planning to propose to her soon, and that she should talk to him about the name issue and marriage as a whole.” At the same time, they argued that the name being an issue is “immature.”
“Honestly, you should have let him do it and figure it out with her,” one commenter concluded. “And she or he was probably overreacting and being dramatic anyway. Sorry, going with YTA (“you’re the asshole” – ed.) despite the fact that your sister feels like a bit of an AH (“asshole” – ed.) in general. Don’t get involved in other people’s sh–t.”