What exactly do we mean by “change”? What does it take for “change” to happen, i.e. how will we understand change when it happens? Ioanna Theodorakopoulou, Head of Counseling Services at Feelwelltoday.com, answers important questions we face every day in our lives.
“You can probably imagine how many times a day I am asked whether a difficult or idiosyncratic character can be changed. And this question usually arises when a person is struggling to decide whether to end a relationship or stay in it in the hope that something will change,” says Ms Theodorakopoulou.
What exactly do we mean by “change”? And the real question may be “what does it take to make the change,” that is, how will we understand the change when it happens?
In a way, the question of whether a character with quirks changes doesn’t make much sense. The simplest answer to such a question is that yes, every difficult character, whatever particular aspects he or she presents, being a human being with free will, can – that is, has the power – to change. But more critical and essential are the questions of under what conditions a person is likely to be motivated to make a change, whether an external change – in behavior – will mean that something has fundamentally changed, and how we can be sure that this is genuine and lasting.
Personality evolves over time and becomes increasingly resistant to change, as the expert explains. Thus, most of the time, problematic personalities will not change the way they have learned to relate to others unless the costs of their habitual way of operating begin to outweigh the benefits. For example, people who use manipulative means in their communication with others may abandon tactics of control, avoidance of blame and impression when these tactics no longer work. In other words, when most of those who associate with them understand some elements that do not benefit their relationship with that person and begin to “impose” new ways of contacting them, the manipulative person may begin to realize that in the past, their strategies simply did not give them what they were capable of doing before.
Sometimes, when a problematic habit in someone’s behavior is abandoned, others can appear, even more problematic. “So, if I refer again to the manipulative personalities that we could also call covertly aggressive, these are characters who show an imbalance in the frequency, intensity and how undisciplined they seek dominance and control. And manipulators usually pursue these goals through indirect means. But when indirect routes are no longer effective, they can easily resort to more direct and possibly dangerous routes. So, just because someone has abandoned their manipulative tactics does not necessarily mean that they have managed the aggressive tendencies that are responsible for their problems,” notes Ms. Theodorakopoulou and adds:
“Changing one aspect of our behavior is always the first step toward achieving more radical change. Just as the way we think affects our behavior, so too do our actions and their consequences affect the way we interpret situations, the attitudes we have, and the beliefs we have about the way we live. Substantial changes in the way we normally move are the prerequisite for changing other problematic aspects of character.
The best way to understand substantial change in someone is to examine the extent to which they acknowledge that some of their core issues are responsible for their problems. For example, if someone admits that they have a problem with uncontrolled aggression – and I don’t necessarily mean violence – and that they need to change their habits in order to get what they want in life, then we can really see a change. This kind of change reaches deeper levels of a person’s feelings and thoughts. And then it is absolutely certain that evidence of behavioral change will come, steadily and in a variety of situations.”
People can change. If they couldn’t—that is, if we were all programmed robots—then there would be no personal responsibility.
“So when people ask about change, it’s usually about their personal struggle in a toxic or abusive relationship. Often, they want a reason to hold on, even though every cell in their body is screaming their need. Sometimes it’s because of societal pressures and the significant investment they’ve made in a relationship, so they feel, reach, and believe they can’t afford to leave. Other times, it’s because they haven’t developed enough of a sense of self-confidence to be able to break the shackles of an unhealthy dependency.
But we must always remember that people change and that this is always the responsibility of the individual who presents the particularities. Often the help of a specialist is necessary, but the motivation for any change must come from the individual, through an authentic desire to develop and mature some aspect of their character. To enter the process, it is necessary to have the appropriate motivation. Most of the time, motivation only arises when circumstances have taken the situation to extremes, that is, the person has lost a lot or the cost of their behavior has taken on great proportions”, he emphasizes.
In closing, Ms. Theodorakopoulou emphasizes: “There is always hope, but it is absolutely essential that the individual knows his or her responsibility, not only for external changes in behavior, but for solid and precise evidence in behavior that proves there are changes in feeling and thinking – or in other words, in the heart and mind.”