A woman wants her husband to stop working at his dream job because she is starting to resent him and says it is “not true” for her.
An anonymous woman says she can understand why her husband is “extraordinarily upset” that she wants him to quit his dream job, but still thinks he should because she is “starting to resent him.”
Unsure if she’s the problem in this scenario, the young woman took to Reddit’s famous AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum to break down the story and explain why the fact that he’s finally able to pursue his dream after years of hard work isn’t fair to her.
She didn’t do much to strengthen her argument in the comments, and in fact put herself in even more of a difficult position with most Redditors.
Learn to listen to her story and the way she (poorly) tries to defend it.
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The wife, 32, began her story by saying that she and her husband, 29, “lived in a space with an especially high value of living.” She mentioned that her job “paid decently well” and that her husband had for years worked at a job “that paid less than mine but was okay overall, although he hated working there.”
“Around October of last year, my husband landed a job in his dream career field. He’d been working toward it for years and was really excited to finally get there,” she wrote. Unfortunately, according to the OP, “the pay in his field is terrible.” She shared that he works as a freelancer with no benefits, and it’s already “a pretty significant pay cut from his previous job.”
I sat down with him recently and told him I thought he wanted to quit his job.
She went on to clarify that they don’t have mixed funds, so they had to rearrange things after he took this new job. “Before, he had a slightly larger proportion of the bills as a result of me having student loans to pay off while he didn’t,” she wrote. “As it stands now, I have to be the breadwinner since his income has been mostly cut in half, paying a larger portion of the bills.”
Here, then, is the crux of the problem for the OP.
“I sat him down recently and told him that I felt like he wanted to quit his job and find a higher-paying career because it just wasn’t possible,” she shared, adding that her husband was immediately upset because “this is something he’s dreamed about for years and worked really hard to achieve, which I understand.”
The problem is that she also feels like “it’s not honest with me. We need to cut back on a lot of things and there’s probably no sign of a pay raise at this point. I feel like I’m carrying it.”
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She was the one who detailed the recommendations her husband made to try to help alleviate the situation. “He offered to get a part-time job on the side, but I know of something he can get that might be possible for him, while keeping his current job wouldn’t offer much,” she wrote.
“He insisted we move somewhere cheaper, which I said no to as we would have to travel a long way to find something in that range, which would mean ridiculously long commutes to my job and being even further away from my family,” she added.
Then she shared her third suggestion, which also wouldn’t work for her: “He offered to get his parents to help, which I don’t want because it’s not a long-term solution.”
OP even acknowledged the severity of his request, writing, “He is extraordinarily upset, and I can tell because I know he worked incredibly hard to get here. If he quits now, it would essentially end his career and make it extremely difficult for him to get another chance at this job.”
I realize this is necessary for him, but I’m starting to resent him.
She even admitted, “It’s not like we’re struggling, which is true, we’re able to pay the rent and put food on the table, but I hate feeling this way.” She went on to clarify, “I work long hours at a really tough job, while he works from home doing something he used to do as a hobby and now only makes half the money.”
“My level is that it’s not like he has to stop doing what he does completely, since, like I said, he did it as a hobby before,” she continued, “but he’s upset because he said this is the only thing he’s ever wanted to do career-wise and giving it up now would mean he’d probably never be able to make it work.”
When asked by AITA, OP summed up her emotions about the whole thing by writing, “I understand that this is necessary for him, but I’m starting to resent him because I feel like the burden of our finances is being placed on me and we need to cut back on a lot of things.”
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As expected, there were a lot of questions for OP, which she was more than happy to answer — beyond what exactly her husband does for a living, and saying “it’s a creative discipline in something he’s passionate about.” OP said, “It’s a hard discipline to break into,” while clarifying that he “gets paid a flat rate rather than based on how long he works.” As such, she said, he ends up working a lot longer, which can make it harder for him to pick up more side work.
She also explained why she rejected his suggestion to move, stating that “he works from home, but my job depends on our city and since I earn most of the money, risking a move doesn’t seem like a (good) idea.”
He supported you and paid more than half of your payments for FOUR YEARS in a job he hated.
One of the many friction factors working against OP was that statement in her story where she mentioned that her husband used to pay more of the family bills to help her pay off her student loans since he didn’t have any. One individual asked her to give him the same amount of time that he paid the majority of the family bills — which she mentioned was 4 years — “and if his income doesn’t eventually increase, then he should quit and get a higher paying job.”
Others were a little harsher. “4 years! 4 years in a job he hates and you got it,” one commented. “You’ve been in 8 months without fighting for your personal admission and you’re ready to throw in the towel. Wow.”
“You didn’t even give him a minimum of a YEAR. As his partner, you need to be his cheerleader, biggest fan and so many more. Don’t be so discouraging and demoralizing. There’s more to life than money,” wrote another. “Wouldn’t you want your partner to be completely happy following their dream instead of working a depressing 9 to 5?”
OP shared in another comment that while the previous split was about 60/40, with her husband paying many of the bills, it’s now 70/30, with her doing so. But that did little to garner support. “You’re paying 70% of the bills now and that’s a problem for you, but were you comfortable with him paying 60% of the bills before? And he’s even willing to get a part-time job to do it, but you’re not supportive of that either?” asked one Redditor. “Do you really love this man or are you just interested in what he was doing for you?”
OP responded to this remark, “My problem is that I still have student loans to pay off on top of that.” She then mentioned about her part-time job proposal, “It’s not that I’m not supportive, it’s just that I don’t think it’s possible for how much your job demands.”
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However, another commenter pushed her back and mentioned that “unsupportive” is exactly what she’s being. “He was given potential options, and you shot down every single one of them—while making demeaning jokes about him and his desires,” they wrote. “He stood by you and paid over half of the payments for FOUR YEARS at a job he hated, just so you could pay off your student loans. THAT’S what a supportive partner does.”
They then went after the OP, persisting with, “What you’re doing is belittling him and trying to pressure him into giving up his happiness for no purpose other than you’re mad that he’s suddenly not paying the vast majority of the payments. You’re self-centered, insensitive, and a horrible partner.”
Another echoed this sentiment, writing: “So he paid 60% of the prices while making less than you, in a job he hated. Not just not a fan of the job, but actually hated it. And you can’t even pay more while making more. Come on, OP…”
When asked to clarify a bit more about her personal work, OP mentioned that she works 40 hours a week, and while it’s not her dream job, she’s “good at working at it.” However, this didn’t sit well with some commenters, who claimed she mentioned in her original story that she worked “long hours at a reasonably difficult job.” One noted, “You’re working a normal 40 hours. You’re not a martyr.”
You’ve been out of action for 8 months, by your personal admission, and you can throw in the towel.
Several celebrities have said that the entire story would have had a different impact if their genders were reversed and it was her pursuing her desires. “I have so much disdain for women who act like it’s inappropriate for them to financially support their husbands after their husbands have done the same for them,” one Redditor wrote. “It’s a disgusting perspective. Men are anticipated to work to support their families. However, when the person in the relationship wants to pursue another career path after burnout or is deeply unhappy with their current job, they are anticipated to swallow this.”
Another tried to give the OP some advice, writing: “It seems like all the compromises listed here are going in one direction – he compromises by giving up his dream job, since you don’t want to make any compromises in terms of moving to a lower-value area, or getting a higher-paying job, or paying off all of his personal student loans, or agreeing to him getting another part-time job, and so on.”
“The sacrifice is his alone if he quits this job, and while you may not resent him anymore, you can guess that he will resent you, possibly for the purpose of breaking up your marriage,” they continued. “Are you willing to risk breaking up your marriage as a result of the only choice, as you see it, being for him to quit now that he has gotten a foot in the door of your dream job? How much do you value your marriage? It’s a two-way street.”
While the consensus was overwhelming that the OP should back off — with one telling her, “If you kill his dream job that he worked so hard to get, then you’re going to crush him as a person. (If you even care.)” — one Redditor took the time to read through all of the OP’s comments in the thread and came to an even harsher conclusion: “I think the husband should RUN AWAY and divorce her, there are too many red flags.”
What do you think?