An anonymous girl is turning to Reddit’s AITA discussion board for recommendations as she plans a baby shower — after discovering on social media that her pregnant stepdaughter secretly got married a few days ago without telling her or her father.
A girl appears to be at her wit’s end with frustration and uncertainty as she turns to the internet for recommendations on what to do at a baby shower she’s already deeply involved in.
The OP (aka “the sole author of the post”) shared her story on Reddit’s famous AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum, detailing how a last-minute discovery that she and her husband hadn’t been noticed how a major life milestone made her think about canceling the next one.
Read on to find out what happened.
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The frustrated mother begins her story by establishing the basic background of the situation – as she has just realized. “My stepdaughter, 22 years old, is pregnant with her first child, a boy. She and her now husband got married two days ago,” she wrote, adding, “That’s the problem.”
She went on to clarify, “These 2 have been a mouthful. Hopping from house to house, couch surfing and on state aid, mostly because this man can’t get a job besides service providers (doordash and many others). We (his father and I) needed to give them money and supplies several times, to the point where we finally had to inform them that we would not help 2 families.”
If not even her father is suitable to be informed that his son is getting married, then my money is not enough for this party
After sharing how her family has been supportive of her stepdaughter and her boyfriend, she then dropped the bombshell that hit her so hard. “We noticed on social media 2 days ago, they got married. Apparently his mother put things together. Her father didn’t receive any messages, calls or anything like that. She had no one in her family there. Only his.”
“Now. This is where I could be TA,” OP wrote. “I am expected to throw a baby shower for her. I planned everything and bought it. However, I feel like even if her father isn’t enough to be told his son is getting married, then my money isn’t enough for this party.
She went on to say that while she has help in making this decision, she is still a little hesitant — turning to the internet. “My husband, family, and mother-in-law are telling me to just cancel,” she wrote.
“Reddit…..WIBTA (“I would be the idiot”) if I canceled the shower?” she asked.
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As expected, Redditors had a lot of questions about this topic, with OP more than eager to provide what she knew. Anyway, she hasn’t turned off this child’s bath yet, but – as much as she is that close to doing it!
One identified how odd it was that the groom’s family not only knew about the wedding ceremony, but attended. To this, OP agreed: “It was bizarre. She swears it was an unplanned stimulus from the second factor, but (there were) many, many indicators that it was deliberate right up front. This whole scenario is confusing. She said she didn’t even have time to call anyone.”
Someone else backed up OP’s intuition with their own personal experience. “I once organized a wedding party in less than 24 hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little house for cake and champagne after the at-home ceremony at the courthouse,” they wrote. “OP was intentionally deleted.”
Another commenter asked if they confronted the bride and groom about why the bride and her new husband “did something that hurt her father so much and also you?”
The truth is that she lies and manipulates you frequently, which is not a relationship.
“We did, but we haven’t heard back. She just doesn’t think it’s a big deal,” OP replied. “I think they find it funny to some extent. It could be a management issue. For us, if she didn’t need us there, there’s no downside. However, her father shouldn’t have been on social media. Her whole family wasn’t told. Just him.”
“Finding out about this on social media can be a punch in the gut,” agreed one Redditor, suggesting that the OP “cancel the baby shower. However, tell her very clearly why you are doing this. That even though you’ve supported her and her husband for so long, she thinks it’s okay to act like you’re not her family. So why do you have to keep supporting and doing things for her.”
Supporting the couple was a hurdle for some commenters, who pointed out to OP that she and her husband had recently instructed their stepdaughter that they could no longer support two families.
“To me it seems like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you won’t fund them anymore (which is ridiculous since they are adults and need to support themselves, especially with a child coming!),” wrote one person.
“You’ve already told them that you can’t possibly help them, but now you’re contributing to a celebration for them for a child that frankly they can’t help either,” another Redditor commented. “They don’t even have a place to stay. If you’re going to contribute funds, do it in a way that puts them on their feet, and if they refuse to do that, then don’t play the game anymore. The shower/wedding party isn’t the real issue here. It’s a lack of respect and gratitude from the children you’ve supported for so long.”
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OP shared how difficult the scenario is, as she and her stepdaughter at least appear to still be close. “There is an open line of communication here,” she wrote. “We are not far apart, despite some points we mentioned with her. We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I would understand if we were away from her. But we just aren’t.”
However, the very fact that she and her stepdaughter’s personal father were not aware of the marriage at all was enough for many commenters to try to clarify that they don’t seem to be as close as the OP thinks. “She got married and you got found out by SM, you’re STUCK, the fact that she lies and gaslights you both frequently is not a relationship,” wrote one. “Time to cut the cord, she’s shown what her priorities are in life.”
It wasn’t unanimous, though, with some still supporting OP’s sentiments but recommending that she not cancel so late. “I wouldn’t advocate doing this,” wrote one. “If it is deliberate and invitations are sent out, it would simply escalate the situation and make you appear dangerous.”
“I would just host the shower as intended, not do more than is expected for her. But be a great host for the rest of the family and be the bigger person.” At the same time, they also admitted, “If you don’t do that and decide to cancel, you wouldn’t be an AH at all.”
It sounds like she was punishing you and her father for saying you won’t fund them anymore.
Another suggested it would be “childish” to cancel because he wasn’t invited, speculating that perhaps the groom’s mother planned the wedding and was too rushed “and his mother had no problem asking for any details from her daughter’s side to ask. I would keep pulling the plug until you talk to your stepdaughter and find out what happened.”
OP countered that argument pretty well, though. “We talked and she claims it was rushed and never deliberate,” she wrote, adding another comment that her stepdaughter said they didn’t even have time to name anyone. “But wedding rings, a professional photographer, and a custom-made wedding suit that she says she hasn’t had in a month says otherwise. Plus, his mom kept us on social media and has my phone number.”
However, others advised the OP to consider this like throwing the bath to the baby, “Sounds like this kid is going to want all the guidance, stability, and help she’s likely to get,” one wrote, while another commented, “Go ahead and keep the deal with the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the bath at the baby… don’t let her actions overshadow the next alternative engagement – with the baby.”
There have even been a few people who have expressed concern that the stepdaughter’s husband might somehow be behind this, with one of them asking pointedly, “Do you think he could be presumably abusive?” To this, the OP can only respond, “I’m undecided. There is management here… but I don’t know.”
Perhaps the most common advice, though, was to let the baby’s shower happen the way this “rushed” wedding apparently did. “If the other side of the family can pull off an ‘unplanned, spur of the moment’ wedding… They’ll almost certainly do the same thing for a child’s shower,” they said. “Wish them properly and wash their fingers.”
One individual could not contain his emotions, writing in capital letters: “CANCEL! CANCEL! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT GOING TO INVITE YOUR OWN PARENTS TO YOUR OWN WEDDING AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO PAY FOR A BABY SHOWER!
What do you think?