An anonymous girl turns to Reddit’s AITA discussion forum for recommendations while planning a baby shower — after discovering on social media that her pregnant stepdaughter secretly got married a few days ago without telling her or her father.
A girl appears to be at her wit’s end with frustration and uncertainty as she turns to the internet for recommendations on what to do at a baby shower she’s already deeply involved in.
The OP (aka “the sole author of the post”) shared her story on Reddit’s famous AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum, detailing how a last-minute discovery that she and her husband hadn’t been noticed how a major life milestone made her think about canceling the next one.
Read on to find out what happened.
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The frustrated mother begins her story by establishing the basic background of the situation – as she has just realized. “My stepdaughter, 22 years old, is pregnant with her first child, a boy. She and her now husband got married two days ago,” she wrote, adding, “That’s the problem.”
She went on to clarify, “These two have been quite. Jump home, couch surf and help the state, especially since this man can’t get a job other than gig providers (doordash and many others). We (her father and I) had to give them money and supplies a few times, until the reason we finally wanted to inform them that we would not help two families.”
If not even her father is suitable to be informed that his son is getting married, then my money is not enough for this party
After sharing how her family supported her stepdaughter and her boyfriend, she dropped the bombshell that hit her so hard. “We saw on social media 2 days ago that they got married. Apparently his mother put things together. Her father didn’t receive messages, calls or anything like that. She had no one in her house there. Simply his.
“Now. This is where I could be a TA too,” wrote OP. “It was anticipated that I would have a baby shower for her. I had everything planned and purchased. However, I really feel that if not even her father is suitable to be informed that his baby is getting married, then my money is not suitable for this party.”
She continued that while she has help in this decision, she is still hesitating a bit — thus turning to the internet. “My husband, my family, and my mother in law are telling me to cancel,” she wrote.
“Reddit… WIBTA if I canceled the shower?” she asked.
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As expected, Redditors had a lot of questions about this topic, with OP more than eager to provide what she knew. Anyway, she hasn’t turned off this child’s bath yet, but – as much as she is that close to doing it!
It was noted how odd it was that the groom’s family not only knew about the wedding ceremony, but also participated. To this, OP agreed: “It was bizarre. She swears it was an unplanned prompt from the second thing, but (there were) many, many signs that it was planned well in advance. The whole scenario is confusing. She mentioned that she didn’t even have time to name anyone.”
Another person backed up OP’s intuition with their own personal experience. “I once organized a wedding party in less than 24 hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my small house for cake and champagne after the courthouse ceremony at home,” they wrote. “OP was intentionally excluded.”
Another commenter asked if they should confront the newlyweds about why the bride and her new husband “did something that hurt her father and you so much?”
The fact that she lies and criticizes you frequently is not a relationship
“We did, but we didn’t receive a response. She simply doesn’t think it’s a big deal,” the OP responded. “I think to some extent they find it funny. It could be a management problem. For us, if she didn’t need us there, no problem. But her father shouldn’t have appeared on social media. Her entire family was not informed. Just his.”
“Finding out about this on social media can be a gut punch,” agreed one Redditor, suggesting that OP “cancel the baby shower. However, let her know clearly why you’re doing this. Despite the fact that you’ve supported her and her husband for so long, she feels it’s okay to act like you’re not her family. So why do you need to continue supporting her and doing things for her?”
Supporting the couple was a hurdle for some commenters, who highlighted to the OP that she and her husband had recently instructed their stepdaughter that they could no longer help two families.
“To me it seems like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you won’t fund them anymore (which is ridiculous since they are adults and need to support themselves, especially with a child coming!),” wrote one person.
“You’ve already told them you can’t help them, but now you’re contributing to a party for them for a kid that frankly they can’t help either,” another Redditor commented. “They don’t have a place to stay either. If you’re going to contribute funds, do it in a way that leaves them standing, and if they refuse to do so, then don’t play the sport anymore. The shower/wedding party isn’t the real issue here. It’s a lack of respect and gratitude from the kids you’ve supported for so long.”
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OP shared how difficult the situation is, as she and her stepdaughter, at least, still seem to be close. “There is an open line of communication here,” she wrote. “We are not estranged, despite some points we have brought up with her. We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I would understand if we were estranged from her. But we are simply not.”
But the fact that she and her stepdaughter’s own father were not fully informed about the marriage was enough for many commenters to try to explain that they are not close, as OP thinks. “She got married and you were found out by SM, you ARE STUCK, the fact that she lies and criticizes you both frequently is not a relationship,” one wrote. “It’s time to cut the cord, she has already presented what her priorities are in life.”
It wasn’t unanimous, though, with some still supporting OP’s sentiments but recommending that she not cancel so late. “I wouldn’t advocate doing this,” wrote one. “If it is deliberate and invitations are sent out, it would simply escalate the situation and make you appear dangerous.”
“I would simply host the shower as deliberate, not do more than what was expected by her. However, be a great host to the rest of the family and be the bigger individual.” At the same time, they also admitted, “If you don’t do this and decide to cancel, you wouldn’t be an AH at all.”
It sounds like she was punishing you and her father for saying you won’t fund them anymore.
Another advised that it would probably be “childish” to cancel because he wasn’t invited, speculating that the groom’s mother may have called the wedding and it was too rushed “and his mother didn’t bother to get any details from your daughter to ask. I would wait to hang up the phone until you talk to your stepdaughter and find out what happened.”
OP countered that argument pretty well, though. “We talked and she claims it was rushed and never deliberate,” she wrote, adding another comment that her stepdaughter said they didn’t even have time to name anyone. “But wedding rings, a professional photographer, and a custom-made wedding suit that she says she hasn’t had in a month says otherwise. Plus, his mom kept us on social media and has my phone number.”
But others said OP sees this as throwing the baby the bath: “It sounds like this child is going to need all the guidance, stability, and support she can get,” wrote one, while another commented, “Take the extreme road and preserve the deal with the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the bath at baby… don’t let her actions overshadow the next opportunity for engagement – with the baby.
There have even been a few people expressing concern that the stepdaughter’s husband might be behind this, with one asking pointedly, “Do you think he might be presumably abusive?” To which the OP can only respond, “I’m undecided. There is management here… but I don’t know.”
Perhaps the most common recommendation, however, was to let the baby shower unfold as best as this “rushed” wedding ceremony apparently did. “If the other side of the family can pull off an ‘unplanned, last-minute’ wedding ceremony… I’m pretty sure they’ll do the same thing for a baby shower,” they advised. “Wish them well and wash your hands of it.”
One individual couldn’t contain his emotions, writing in all capital letters: “CANCEL! CANCEL! HOW THE HELL WON’T YOU INVITE YOUR OWN PARENTS TO YOUR OWN WEDDING AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO PAY FOR A BABY SHOWER!”
What do you think?