An unnamed woman turns to Reddit’s AITA forum for advice as she plans a baby shower — after discovering on social media that her pregnant stepdaughter secretly got married days ago without telling her or her father.
A girl appears to be at the end of her tether with frustration and uncertainty as she turns to the internet for recommendations on what to do at a baby shower she’s already deep into.
The OP (aka “the original poster”) shared her story on Reddit’s notorious AITA (“I’m the Hole”) discussion forum, detailing how a last-minute discovery that she and her husband weren’t noticed about a milestone serious thing in her life makes her think about canceling the next one.
Read on to find out what happened.
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The frustrated mother begins her story by laying out the basic background of the situation—as she has just realized it. “My stepdaughter, 22, is pregnant with her first child, a boy. She and her now-husband got married two days ago,” she wrote, adding, “That’s the problem.”
She went on to clarify, “These 2 have been a real handful. House-hopping, couch surfing, and on welfare, especially since this man can’t get a job other than service providers (doordash and many others). We (their father and I) have had to give them money and groceries multiple times, to the point where we finally had to inform them that we would not be helping 2 families.”
If even her father is not fit to be told that his baby is getting married, then my money is not enough for this party.
After sharing how her family supported her stepdaughter and her boyfriend, she dropped the bombshell that hit her so hard. “We saw on social media 2 days ago that they got married. Apparently his mom put things together. Her dad didn’t get any messages, calls or anything like that. She didn’t have anyone at her house there. Just him.”
“Now. This is where I could be a TA too,” wrote OP. “It was anticipated that I would have a baby shower for her. I had everything planned and purchased. However, I really feel that if not even her father is suitable to be informed that his baby is getting married, then my money is not suitable for this party.”
She continued that while she has help in this decision, she is still hesitating a bit — thus turning to the internet. “My husband, my family, and my mother in law are telling me to cancel,” she wrote.
“Reddit…WIBTA (“I’d be the asshole”) if I canceled the shower?” she asked.
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Predictably, Redditors had a lot of questions about this, with the OP more than eager to offer what he knew. In any case, she hasn’t turned off this baby’s shower yet — but she is that close to doing it!
It was realized how strange it was that the groom’s family not only knew about the wedding ceremony, but also participated. To this, OP agreed: “It was bizarre. She swears it was an unplanned spur of the second thing, but (there were) many, many signs that it was planned well in advance. This whole scenario is confusing. She mentioned that she didn’t even have time to nominate anyone.”
Another individual backed up the OP’s intuition with their own private experience. “I once organized a wedding party in less than 24 hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little abode for cake and champagne after the courthouse ceremony,” they wrote. “The OP was intentionally excluded.”
Another commenter asked if they confronted the bride and groom about why the bride and her new husband “did something that hurt her father so much and also you?”
The fact that she lies and criticizes you frequently is not a relationship
“We did, but we haven’t heard back. She just doesn’t think it’s a big deal,” OP replied. “I think they find it funny to some extent. It could be a management issue. For us, if she didn’t need us there, there’s no downside. However, her father shouldn’t have been on social media. Her whole family wasn’t told. Just him.”
“Finding out about this on social media can be a gut punch,” agreed one Redditor, suggesting that OP “cancel the baby shower. However, let her know clearly why you’re doing this. Despite the fact that you’ve supported her and her husband for so long, she feels it’s okay to act like you’re not her family. So why do you need to continue supporting her and doing things for her?”
Supporting the couple was a hurdle for some commenters, who highlighted to the OP that she and her husband had recently instructed their stepdaughter that they could no longer help two families.
“To me it sounds like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you won’t support them anymore (which is ridiculous since they are adults and need to support themselves, especially with a child coming!),” one person wrote.
“You’ve already instructed them that you can’t possibly help them, but now you’re contributing to a celebration for them for a child that, frankly, they both can’t help,” another Redditor commented. “They don’t even have a place to stay. If you’re going to contribute funds, do it in a way that gets them on their feet, and if they refuse to do it, don’t play the game anymore. The shower/wedding party isn’t the real issue here. It is an absence of respect and gratitude from the children you have supported for so long.”
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OP shared how difficult the situation is because she and her stepdaughter still seem to be close. “There is an open line of communication here,” she wrote. “We are not apart despite some points we discussed with her. We talked day after day, until I recommended pregnancy. I would notice if we were away from it. But we simply aren’t.
However, the actual fact that she and her stepdaughter’s personal father were not noticed from the wedding completely was enough for many commenters to try to clarify that they do not appear to be close, as the OP thinks. “She got married and you got found out by SM, you’re stranded, the fact that she lies and gaslights you both frequently is not a relationship,” one wrote. “Time to cut the cord, she showed what her priorities are in life.”
It wasn’t unanimous, however, with some still agreeing with OP’s sentiments but recommending that she not cancel at such a late date. “I wouldn’t recommend doing this,” one wrote. “If it’s deliberate and invites have been sent out, it would simply escalate the situation and make you look dangerous.”
“I would simply organize the shower as planned, don’t go overboard for her. But be a great host to the rest of the family and be the bigger individual.” At the same time, they also admitted, “If you don’t do this and decide to cancel, you wouldn’t be an AH at all.”
It sounds like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you weren’t funding them anymore
Another advised that it would probably be “childish” to cancel because he wasn’t invited, speculating that possibly the groom’s mother deliberated the wedding and it was too hasty” and his mother didn’t bother to get any details from her daughter to ask. I would wait to turn it off until you talk to your stepdaughter and find out what happened.”
OP countered that argument pretty well, though. “We talked and she claims it was rushed and never deliberate,” she wrote, adding another comment that her stepdaughter said they didn’t even have time to name anyone. “But wedding rings, a professional photographer, and a custom-made wedding suit that she says she hasn’t had in a month says otherwise. Plus, his mom kept us on social media and has my phone number.”
But others said OP sees this as throwing the baby in the bath: “Sounds like this kid is going to need all the guidance, stability, and support she can get,” one wrote, while another commented: “Take the extreme road and preserve the bond with the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the baby in the bath…don’t let her actions overshadow the next opportunity for engagement—with the baby.”
There have even been a few people expressing concern that the stepdaughter’s husband might be behind this, with one asking pointedly, “Do you think he might be presumably abusive?” To which the OP can only respond, “I’m undecided. There is management here… but I don’t know.”
Perhaps the most common advice, though, would be to let the baby shower happen the way this “rushed” wedding apparently did. “If the other side of the family manages to pull off an ‘unplanned, on the spur of the second’ wedding… They will almost certainly do the same thing for a child’s shower,” they said. “Wash them properly and wash your fingers.”
One individual couldn’t contain their emotions, writing in all caps: “CANCEL IT! CANCEL IT! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT GOING TO INVITE YOUR OWN PARENTS TO YOUR OWN WEDDING AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO PAY FOR A BABY SHOWER!”
What do you think?