An unnamed woman turns to Reddit’s AITA forum for advice as she plans a baby shower — after discovering on social media that her pregnant stepdaughter secretly got married days ago without telling her or her father.
A girl appears to be at the end of her tether with frustration and uncertainty as she turns to the internet for recommendations on what to do at a baby shower she’s already deep into.
The OP (aka “the original poster”) shared her story on Reddit’s notorious AITA (“I’m the A-hole”) discussion board, detailing how a last-minute discovery that she and her husband hadn’t been in the know about a major milestone in her life has her considering canceling the next one.
Read on to find out what happened.
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The frustrated mother begins her story by establishing the basic background of the situation – as she has just realized. “My stepdaughter, 22 years old, is pregnant with her first child, a boy. She and her now husband got married two days ago,” she wrote, adding, “That’s the problem.”
She went on to clarify, “These two have been quite. Jump home, couch surf and help the state, especially since this man can’t get a job other than gig providers (doordash and many others). We (her father and I) had to give them money and supplies a few times, until the reason we finally wanted to inform them that we would not help two families.”
If even her father is not fit to be informed that his son is getting married, then my money is not enough for this party
After sharing how her family has been supporting her stepdaughter and her boyfriend, she then dropped the bombshell that hit her so hard. “We noticed on social media 2 days ago, they got married. Apparently his mom put things together. Her dad didn’t get any texts, calls or anything like that. She didn’t have anyone from her family there. Just him.”
“Now. This is where I could be a TA,” wrote OP. “I’m expected to bathe a child for her. I planned it all out and bought it. However, I feel that even if her father isn’t enough to be told that your son is getting married, so my money is not enough for this party.
She continued that while she has help in this decision, she is still hesitating a bit — thus turning to the internet. “My husband, my family, and my mother in law are telling me to cancel,” she wrote.
“Reddit….. WIBTA (“Would I be the idiot”) if I canceled the shower? she asked.
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As you might expect, Redditors had a lot of questions about this, with the OP more than eager to offer up what she knew. In any case, she hasn’t turned off the shower on this baby yet — but she is that close to doing it!
One identified how odd it was that the groom’s family not only knew about the wedding ceremony, but attended. To this, OP agreed: “It was bizarre. She swears it was an unplanned stimulus from the second factor, but (there were) many, many indicators that it was deliberate right up front. This whole scenario is confusing. She said she didn’t even have time to call anyone.”
Another individual backed up the OP’s intuition with their own private experience. “I once organized a wedding party in less than 24 hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little abode for cake and champagne after the courthouse ceremony,” they wrote. “The OP was intentionally excluded.”
Another commenter asked if they should confront the newlyweds about why the bride and her new husband “did something that hurt her father and you so much?”
The truth is that she lies and manipulates you frequently, which is not a relationship.
“We did, but we haven’t heard back. She just doesn’t think it’s a big deal,” the OP replied. “I think they find it funny to some extent. It could be a management issue. For us, if she didn’t need us there, it’s fine. But her father shouldn’t have been on social media. Her whole family wasn’t informed. Just his.”
“Finding out about this on social media can be a punch in the gut,” agreed one Redditor, suggesting that OP “cancel the baby shower. However, let her know clearly why you are doing this. Even though you’ve supported her and her husband for so long, she feels like it’s okay to act like you’re not her family. So why do you need to keep supporting and doing things for her?
Support for the couple was a point of contention for some commenters, who highlighted the OP’s observation that she and her husband had recently told their stepdaughter that they could no longer support two families.
“It sounds to me like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you’re no longer funding them (which is ridiculous because they’re adults and need to fund themselves, especially with a child coming!),” one specific person wrote.
“You’ve already told them you can’t help them, but now you’re contributing to a party for them for a kid that frankly they can’t help either,” another Redditor commented. “They don’t have a place to stay either. If you’re going to contribute funds, do it in a way that leaves them standing, and if they refuse to do so, then don’t play the sport anymore. The shower/wedding party isn’t the real issue here. It’s a lack of respect and gratitude from the kids you’ve supported for so long.”
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OP shared how difficult the scenario is, as she and her stepdaughter at least appear to still be close. “There is an open line of communication here,” she wrote. “We are not far apart, despite some points we mentioned with her. We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I would understand if we were away from her. But we just aren’t.”
However, the actual fact that she and her stepdaughter’s personal father were not noticed from the wedding completely was enough for many commenters to try to clarify that they do not appear to be close, as the OP thinks. “She got married and you got found out by SM, you’re stranded, the fact that she lies and gaslights you both frequently is not a relationship,” one wrote. “Time to cut the cord, she showed what her priorities are in life.”
It wasn’t unanimous, though, with some still supporting OP’s sentiments but recommending that she not cancel so late. “I wouldn’t advocate doing this,” wrote one. “If it is deliberate and invitations are sent out, it would simply escalate the situation and make you appear dangerous.”
“I would just host the shower as planned, don’t go overboard for her. But be a great host for the rest of the family and be the bigger person.” At the same time, they also admitted, “If you don’t do that and decide to cancel, you wouldn’t be an AH at all.”
It sounds like she was punishing you and her father for saying you won’t fund them anymore.
Another suggested it would be “childish” to cancel because he wasn’t invited, speculating that perhaps the groom’s mother planned the wedding and was too rushed “and his mother had no problem asking for any details from her daughter’s side to ask. I would keep pulling the plug until you talk to your stepdaughter and find out what happened.”
OP countered that argument pretty well, though. “We spoke and she claims it was rushed and never deliberate,” she wrote, adding another comment that her stepdaughter said they didn’t even have time to name anyone. “But wedding rings, a professional photographer and a custom-made wedding suit that she says she hasn’t had in a month says otherwise. Plus, his mom kept us on social media and has my phone number.”
But others said OP sees this as throwing the baby in the bath: “Sounds like this kid is going to need all the guidance, stability, and support she can get,” one wrote, while another commented: “Take the extreme road and preserve the bond with the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the baby in the bath…don’t let her actions overshadow the next opportunity for engagement—with the baby.”
There have even been a few people expressing concern that the stepdaughter’s husband might be behind this, with one asking pointedly, “Do you think he might be presumably abusive?” To which the OP can only respond, “I’m undecided. There is management here… but I don’t know.”
Perhaps the most common recommendation, however, was to let the baby shower unfold as best as this “rushed” wedding ceremony apparently did. “If the other side of the family can pull off an ‘unplanned, last-minute’ wedding ceremony… I’m pretty sure they’ll do the same thing for a baby shower,” they advised. “Wish them well and wash your hands of it.”
One individual couldn’t contain their emotions, writing in all caps: “CANCEL IT! CANCEL IT! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT GOING TO INVITE YOUR OWN PARENTS TO YOUR OWN WEDDING AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO PAY FOR A BABY SHOWER!
What do you think?