Despite appearing supremely confident after reprimanding his son’s delivery mother for giving advice about his classes, a father wants to know if he went too far by telling the woman she is “more like a sister” to her son.
Sometimes a post hits Reddit’s AITA (“Am I the A-hole”) forum so hard that it’s almost overwhelming in its directness and blunt impact. Sometimes it’s surprising that a person would turn to the Internet for advice about anything.
Both scenarios appear to be at play in the case of a man who took to the popular forum after warning the mother who surrendered her child for giving him advice. Although he actually seemed extremely confident in the way he handled the situation, he still asked…
“AITA for telling my child’s delivery mother that she’s more like a sister?” Ah, but he said much more than just that!
Learn the full story and how Redditors reacted.
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“I adopted my son when he was born. It was an open adoption, but the birthing mother (Beth) was so embarrassed about being a teen mom that she observed no contact,” OP (aka “the original poster”) began her story. “Which was effective because I didn’t intend to involve her too much.”
OP went on to clarify that her son Ethan grew up mostly around boys, so “we’ve always tried to get him to spend more time with women.” When he was 9, Beth reached out. “I think she’s spent the last nine years being an overachiever, so she would feel worthy of a relationship with Ethan,” OP wrote. “Ivy League, married a hedge fund guy, yoga, etc.”
You’re in the back seat. You are a seat holder during Ethan’s life. Just remember your home
“Ethan is extremely self-aware and mentally minded. You can’t bully him, so he and I enjoy a really open relationship,” OP added. “I told him that his mother reached out to me and asked about him. I emphasized that she wasn’t neglecting him, but that she needed to go out and work on herself. I asked him how he would feel about talking to her, and he said he was open to it.”
This all seemed constructive, as did the continuation that “they have a very good relationship and spend a lot of time together. He met her husband. It was a really nice thing to meet your birth family.”
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However, this is where things took a turn that the OP didn’t like — and his tone completely changed.
Along with your child reaching sixth grade, he has to select an elective. “There were discussions about what class it could be,” OP revealed. “Anyway, he warned Beth about it and she got screwed by getting involved. She stated what his problem is with making the yearbook. He must do what he wants to do. It’s his class.”
This is where OP was clearly drawing the line at the relationship between Ethan and Beth. “I was such that you screwed me over. I said woman, you are not his mother,” he wrote. “You’re more like a sibling and siblings don’t have a say in their parents’ decisions. You’re in the back seat. You are a seat holder during Ethan’s life. Simply remember your home.
I assume she’s ready for ME to apologize for something she did
He said Beth’s response was not to respond at all, instead going “radio silent.” And so, according to the OP, “I was the most important person and I reached out. I stated that I have been raising that child for 11 years, so this was triggered so that you could give your two parents a few cents. You need to understand this. He understands this, so you should too.
He concluded his statement: “I assume she is ready for ME to apologize for something she did. I can’t. When you do that, all things become harmful.”
Although he did not immediately ask AITA a question in the body of his article, the headline reads: “AITA for telling my child’s delivery mother that she’s more like a sister?
“You seem extremely controlling,” wrote the most liked commenter, with more than 12 thousand positive votes. They kept asking, “Why can’t he do the yearbook if that’s what he wants to do? Why should you decide on his elective class, she’s right, it’s HIS class.
“I don’t know any parent who is letting their sixth grader choose their elective without veto power,” OP fired back again, noting in another comment that she wants her child to take “management” instead.
“Why not say what it is, stop saying power of veto and say ‘I’m not going to let my child choose his interests without MY participation, screw what my child wants to learn, I’M GOING TO MOLD HIM INTO WHAT I WANT’” , replied one Redditor, not holding back.
Is your child not an individual?
“Your child vented to someone who actually gave him some influence and you didn’t like that another adult figure dared to defy your government resolution for this child they didn’t want, but you forced them to. Don’t be upset later in life when your child does this to you or if he bites you in the a-.
Another commenter was surprised by the OP saying he doesn’t know of any parents who let their children choose their own electives “without veto power.” They wrote: “You… don’t? How many parents do you actively talk to about central school electives? … I didn’t even include (my parents) in my elective decision because they really couldn’t have cared less.”
Another confirmed that he was also allowed to decide on his own electives, writing: “Mine did. What do you think the phrase ‘elective’ means? That’s it supposed try to explore your activities.
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OP tried to argue, “He has decisions about some things he does, but I veto,” but it was quickly explained to him, “So… he doesn’t have decisions, right? If he has an alternative as long as it is aligned with what you need so it is not an alternative. You already got it”
OP was on offensive defense throughout the feedback, like when he was called out as he responded to his son’s delivery mother. “She was asking a credible question and you approached her aggressively and undermined her while doing so. it seems like there may also be some underlying control issues and perhaps some insecurities about her involvement in his life…” wrote one.
“None of her business,” OP quickly responded. To another commenter who stated, “Well, her son restrained her from telling her about it and he or she gave some recommendation,” OP came back with, “She wasn’t asked for anyone’s recommendation.”
The quick response was, “Isn’t your child an individual?” Another expanded on this, adding, “Her son started a dialogue with her about electives. It was in your publication. Your absurd drama may suit other people, but not me.”
Telling someone that they are a ‘seat filler’ in someone’s life and ‘just remember their home’ is heinous
Redditors also didn’t mince words about OP not mincing words when talking about his son’s organic mother, who he even said has been a positive inclusion in his life. Regarding the “seat filler” comment, one Redditor wrote: “What a nasty thing to say,” while another agreed: “my jaw dropped, what a nasty thing.”
“It’s an ‘open adoption’ but you call it a ‘seat filler,’” marveled another, while one commenter bluntly said, “Telling someone they’re a ‘seat filler’ in someone’s life and ‘just remember your home’ is heinous regardless of who they are. Jesus Christ, man,” commented one Redditor, who shared that they themselves were adopted.
Another called out the OP for saying they were the “bigger person,” asking, “By reaching out to double your bet? They went on to say that Beth’s question about Ethan having the ability to select his personal elective was “real. And you also responded by lashing out wildly. You may have a judgmental temper in addition to being controlling.”
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“You must be no being the bigger person now, as you should be,” the person commented. “This is what you signed up for, so accept it and make it work. And yes, you need to fully apologize to Beth for saying those stupid things to her.
One Redditor speculated: “Fast forward 15 years to the AITA post where he’s asking the internet why his son doesn’t talk to him anymore…”
This was a real massacre – or dare we say storm – with Reddit giving it an unusual tag “POO (Proctologists Solely Orifice) Mode Enabled”, limiting feedback.
What do you suppose?